I’m terrified of getting motherhood wrong.
I look at these two beautiful children every now and then, and I’m filled with fear. Their innocence, their unknowing eyes, their precious smiles – these two beautiful children make me feel somehow overwhelmed.
When Milin looks up at me with wide-open eyes searching for answers, or when Jasmin stares at me with eyes just starting to discover the world, I’m filled with a sense of this all being too important to get wrong. It comes over me in waves, a feeling of massive responsibility. I’m in charge here. These are the two most precious people in my world, and I have to get it right for them.
I’ve made mistakes. Big ones. I’ve acted in ways I haven’t been proud of, I’ve made decisions I should have given more thought to, I’ve made errors that can never be made right and done things I wish I hadn’t but they’ll never go away. I can’t do that anymore.
Sometimes, while watching these two little people navigate their new world, I find myself thinking back on life until now. It was only about me. Those mistakes I made didn’t matter too much. The series of errors didn’t hurt anyone. No-one really even noticed them apart from me.
Life now is no longer a series of unconnected events, which I can flit through and move on from. Life now is something bigger. It is our life. It is their life. It is a life in which my actions have consequences beyond me. It is a life in which two wonderful children are relying on me. I’m making the decisions for them. The feeling that I must get things right for them, that I must do things right, that I must choose right – it is sometimes enough to push the breath from my lungs.
Life now is too important to mess up. There’s too much at stake. In the faces of my two children, whose wide open eyes are just starting to learn about the world, there is hope, expectation and reliance. In their innocent smiles, there is dependency. And in their hearts is complete trust in me, their mother.
I look at Milin and Jasmin every day and feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I look at them and worry about getting things wrong. I look at them as they move through this life in childish oblivion, and I’m struck with the will to do things better. For them and for us – I’m trying to follow my heart, to listen to my instincts, and to get thing right from here.